This year is different. It's not going as I had hoped, nor planned. Despite that I had mapped out my goals for 2015 and hired a life coach to help me stay accountable, I reached one roadblock after another. First it was getting hit with a stubborn virus for three solid weeks in January. Then it was confusion and zero clarity on how to maneuver through the pot holes of life.
Real. Messy. Painful. Transparent. Life. You know what I'm talking about. The real hard places where only our faith can bring us through the dark times. Like when machinery in your car breaks, you can't turn the steering wheel, and if you had been at the wrong place at the wrong time you may have not made it out alive. Or when the bills are showing up at your doorstep, but there's not enough funds to stay afloat let alone plan for a summer vacation.
Last week was a serious bump in the road. Perhaps, I'm being too kind? It felt like an earthquake! I was in the midst of launching my 50-Day Devotional through an e-book version when horrendous technical difficulty became relentless. Apparently, the enemy must have been up to his old tricks and doing a great job at causing me frustration. Just another tactic to prevent my encouragement and word of hope to touch other people's lives.
For five solid days, I experienced unusually intense challenges on Amazon through Kindle Direct Publishing. There was one technical problem after the other. Being a self-published author, I was responsible for getting it resolved, which was not an easy task. No doubt, I was filled with stress and the situation was beyond my control. I prayed. I cried. I surrendered it to God. The burden was just too heavy for me to carry.
Three of those days in which I encountered countless mistakes happened during my free e-book promotion. Instead of rejoicing in my book launch, I felt disappointed. Even more so, I was deeply concerned for how the negative tech troubles could impact my career as an author.
Writing books is one of the biggest endeavors I have ever taken. I worked so hard for over one year on my 50-Day Devotional creating it, nurturing it, and revising, until I knew it was ready. It's kind of like being a proud mama preparing to birth her precious baby. You desire for everything to fall into place and for your unborn child to enter the world healthy. Had this been real life, my baby would have been born disabled or physically handicapped. Not exactly ideal or what someone hopes for.
Currently, I'm taking a step back to re-evaluate God's will and direction for me. I sense Him calling me to be still and wait on Him for clarity. In the meanwhile, I'm taking one breath at a time. Resting is not easy for me. By my very nature, I'm the type of person who is stepping out, taking risks, and always in motion. Resting and keeping still is not comfortable. Yet this may be the very reason the Lord is asking me to do it. Another teachable moment to let go and trust...
According to the website Vocabulary.com, the word transition means "A change from one thing to the next, either in action or state of being-as in a job transition or as in the much more dramatic example of a caterpillar making a transition into a butterfly. Trans means "cross," so when you hear it at the beginning of a word you know it indicates crossing, as in transatlantic or translate."
Although I may not fully grasp what my transition means and how it will unfold, I trust God desires me to take up my own cross. In Matthew 16:24-26, Jesus says, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?"
So here I am waiting on God and taking time to rest. He comforts me with His presence. As tears stream down my face, I cry out to Him, "Lord, have Your way with me. Show me Your glory! Give me the strength to die to self so I can be more like Jesus. May Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. I trust You. I rest in You. I surrender my life to You."