Each time I would visit my narcissist mother, I would get extremely ill. Within hours, I would experience intense migraines, flu-like symptoms, insomnia, and my body hurt all over. Usually, the day after being with my mom, I would end up so sick that I couldn't even function or think straight.
In addition, after spending time with my mom, my happy mood would become negative and bleak. It's like her negative energy darkened my own outlook on life. All of this is a blaring sign of how abuse is linked to chronic pain and depression.
Deep down, we know something isn't right. Our gut intuition is alarming us. Sometimes, it can just take us longer to finally listen. To hear it, acknowledge it, and to believe our gut instincts.
Our body does not lie...
We can sense this unease. It can mask itself as DISease. Backaches, stomachaches, headaches, and mysterious symptoms that may have no explanation.
I think we become aware of the signs when we're strong enough to take action. When we are courageous enough to stand firm in our healthy boundaries.
Suddenly, everything is crystal clear. We cannot unsee what we have seen. The mental abuse. The physical abuse. The manipulation. The verbal attacks. The harsh judgments. The gaslighting. The nonstop denial.
There's no turning back. I can no longer pretend that everything is alright. It's okay to not be okay. This supernatural awakening has been eye-opening.
My inner child has been screaming for my attention. My chronic pain was a symptom saying, "I hurt so bad."
The root cause was not my fibromyalgia. It wasn't my herniated discs, either. Instead, the root cause was my past child abuse, sexual assaults, and trauma.
Our body doesn't lie. It knows the truth. Our brain tries to protect us from pain.
There is a mind-body connection to pain. Excellent authors shed the light on this intriguing topic. Some of my favorites are Dr. John Sarno's who wrote several books, including Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection and The Mindbody Prescription: Healing the Body, Healing the Pain.
Another excellent resource that I highly recommend for those suffering long-term ailments, autoimmune conditions, chronic pain, PTSD, and depression is the book, The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk. He is one of the world’s foremost experts on trauma and has spent over three decades working with survivors.
In The Body Keeps the Score, he uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust. He explores innovative treatments—from neurofeedback and meditation to sports, drama, and yoga—that offer new paths to recovery by activating the brain’s natural neuroplasticity.
Along my healing journey, I've discovered information and scientific evidence about cellular memory. I am not only referring to the brain, but also how every cell within our body from head to toes is entrenched in cellular memory.
According to Rosemary Edwards, "Every cell in your body holds hundreds of pages of information on all levels of your being, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. You can carry these memories with you for your entire lifetime. Every cell in your body has the ability to remember. When you go through a traumatic experience your body suppresses the overwhelming situation by storing the memory in your cells. Then often hours later you release this from the cells by crying, shaking or trembling. However, sometimes these memories are never released or released many years later because they are just too traumatic. By holding onto these negative memories and triggering them off we can cause an imbalance in the physical body, which can often manifest as a physical or emotional condition. Sometimes these memories seem trivial to us now but at the time felt overwhelming and so the body suppressed them."
It is no coincidence that last December when I prayed about a specific theme for 2019, God gave me the words "release and heal." For me, this year is mainly focused on releasing old trauma. Although, it can be stressful to excavate through painful memories, it's also liberating to finally acknowledge them, address them, and process them.
The harder part is learning how to release everything. It's most certainly not an overnight practice. More like an onion in which one layer is peeled away at a time. Sometimes, it can sting like an onion in which I cannot stop the tears from flowing.
I've always said, "Tears are not the pain. Tears are actually the healing."
Of course, the goal is to heal. To patiently support ourselves, especially with self-care. For me, I love a holistic approach. My top natural healing practices include aromatherapy with pure essential oils, gentle stretching, mindfulness, prayer, meditation, journaling, listening to soothing music, CBD oil, and spending time outdoors to enjoy nature.
Now that I am aware of the mind-body connection and cellular memory, if I get an ache or pain, I understand that it's my bodies way of speaking to me. To alert myself of a potential trigger, stress, or something that is linked to my past trauma.
Oftentimes, I look inward; not outward. I seek answers by honoring this amazing way to look beyond physical and emotional symptoms, which are not the root of the problem. Along my enlightening journey to release and heal, I've realized that I am so much stronger and braver than I ever dreamed possible.
I am excited for the next chapter in my life. For great things to unfold. I guarantee, it's going to have a happy ending!