This is an open letter to my toxic siblings. They know who they are. They may deny the truth, but it will never change the truth. When we walk in the truth, it most certainly can set us free. (John 8:32)
There is a good chance that my sister's will never see my blog. They may never know that it exists. And that is alright. Why?
Because my open letter is not for them. It is for me. It is for therapeutic purposes. It is to write where it hurts.
It is for truth-telling. It's to help me process my grief.
Let's remember that anger is a common stage of grief. There is no shame, nor condemnation in expressing our legitimate anger, especially at those who intentionally hurt us during a tragic loss.
Writing this open letter is the key to my moving forward to heal and to rebuild my life without my toxic siblings. It will help me to have closure.
On Saturday, May 11, 2019, I felt prompted by God to pray for my dad. He had been suffering advanced Alzheimer's and a serious heart condition for many years. It pained me that he had been suffering; physically, emotionally, and cognitively.
Alzheimer's is brutal. It destroys our loved one. It takes their mind captive. It is excruciating to watch our loved one's slowly fade away.
So last Saturday, when I felt the Lord nudging me to pray for my dad, I took it serious. I prayed for God to diminish my father's pain. I asked Him to cover my dad with peace, especially since my dad's been filled with fear as his memory has failed him.
During my prayer for my father, I cried out to Jesus. I said, "Lord, my dad is hurting and suffering. Please take him home to You where he can be in Your loving arms."
Later in the afternoon, I had a heart to heart chat with my husband. I shared with him my concern about my siblings not informing me about anything pertaining to my parents, including if something were to happen to them. We discussed the potential challenges of a parent passing away, but not being aware of it, due to my siblings keeping this important information from me.
On Monday, May 13, 2019, my mother left a message on my phone. It was very vague. There was nothing specific. Briefly, my mom stated that something terrible happened. She said that she needed to talk to me and would call me back.
After listening to her message, I questioned what she was referring to. I didn't know. However, my gut intuition prompted me to contact the Alzheimer's facility where my dad lives.
Immediately, I made the out of state call. The woman who answered the phone said that she needed another staff member to speak to me.
Once another staff member accepted my call (I'm assuming someone in charge), I inquired about my father. She said, "I am sorry, but your father passed away on Saturday, May 11, 2019."
Taken by surprise since nobody in my family notified me of my father's death, I replied, "Can you share if my dad was in pain before he died?"
Softly, the woman explained, "We kept your dad comfortable. He was given Morphine and Ativan. On Saturday, between 11:00 - 11:30 AM, your father's heart stopped beating. He peacefully slipped away."
Then I asked, "Do you have specific information about my dad's funeral arrangements? Anything pertaining to where his body went?"
The woman replied, "No, I don't have that information."
As you can imagine, I was in shock. Completely heartbroken. My tears wouldn't stop falling.
Grief is messy. It hurts like hell. Losing a parent and not being notified is even messier.
Here's my reality: Not only did I lose my dad and get knocked down by grief, but I had been betrayed by my siblings.
Not just once. Not just twice. But betrayed by my sister's for the umpteenth time.
My question to each of my sister's is this: Why couldn't you have put aside your negative feelings towards me? How come you couldn't offer dignity and respect during a horrific time of loss and grief? Why would you intentionally manipulate the situation by preventing me to know that our dad passed away? And why did you purposely make it beyond difficult for me to find out information about our dad's funeral and obituary?
Based on the abusive history with my siblings, plus how they intentionally didn't inform me about our father's death and funeral arrangements (not to mention our mother who landed in the hospital last month with blood clots and they never notified me about it), this is confirmation of why I am not in contact with my sisters.
Because they are toxic. Manipulative. Deceptive. Mean-spirited. Cruel. Bitter. Vengeful. Dishonest. Ungodly. And evil women.
I'm mystified that my four sister's claim to be Christians. Yet, there's nothing godly about their behaviors. It is not what Jesus would do.
Where is the fruit of the Spirit? Where is their kindness? Love? Self-control? Compassion? Forbearance? Peace? Goodness? Or gentleness?
Only they can take responsibility and accountability for their actions and lack of actions, such as not informing me about both my father and my mother. Their heartless and cruel actions speak loud and clear.
Their motive was intended to harm to me. To punish me. To hurt me.
If my sister's are reading this message, I want them to know something important. You do not get to dictate my relationship with my mother and father. It is not about you. It never was.
If my sister's wonder why I am not in contact with them, here's a few legitimate reasons:
- Time after time, you have shown me that you don't value me.
- You don't support me.
- You don't treat me with the respect that I deserve.
- You have trampled all over my healthy boundaries.
- You have spent a lifetime silencing me.
- You have manipulated me, lied to me, and twisted the truth.
- You disregarded me, my life purpose, and God's calling for me.
- You have discredited me.
- You have attempted to tarnish my reputation.
- You have clearly not loved me.
Lastly, you may have sabotaged my knowing about dad's death and his funeral arrangements, and Lord knows what else, but you will never be able to steal the love dad had for me. You can never take away my most treasured moments of restoring my relationship with dad. You can never erase the beautiful memories that I will hold in my heart forever.
While I am grieved over your toxic, abusive behaviors, and heartbroken over dad passing away, I am sad that this is the women you have become. It grieves me that you chose hate over love. You chose war over peace. You chose revenge over humility. You chose evil over good.
May God give you mercy and grace. May you seek Him and repent of your sins. I am praying for each of you. May Jesus do what only He can do in your lives; physically, emotionally and spiritually.